My suggested headline for this week was “The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad NFL Pick ’Em Week and the Mysterious Case of the Disappearing Shoulder Pads.”
It was too long.
Week 3 was pure, unadulterated mayhem in the NFL resulting in a disastrous picking performance for me, finishing 5-11 in what certainly must have been my worst effort ever. Seriously, though, what is going on?
The Browns, Bears and Buccaneers all have a better record than the Patriots, Ryan Fitzpatrick is making NFL history (not in Buffalo), the Dolphins at 3-0 are first in the AFC East, the Bills nearly shut out the Vikings (also not in Buffalo) and football isn’t football.
In addition to all of these largely unexpected developments, the biggest story in week 3 remained the many penalties called after quarterbacks happened to encounter one or more other players also on the field. Players, coaches and fans alike are losing their minds trying to figure out how to play defense in a league that, amidst so much flying yellow linen, really is becoming flag football.
So if player safety is such a concern – and I agree it should be – where have all the shoulder pads gone?
Picture it: Pittsburgh, 1977; Jack Lambert’s huge number 58 clearly visible atop both shoulders with plenty of black jersey to spare. Or how about Eric Dickerson’s 29 in blue and gold?
These days you wouldn’t have enough room to squeeze in a list of New England’s morals even if you used both shoulders. Players available of questionable character with smuggled copies of other teams’ playbooks whom no other NFL team is willing to employ? Sign here.

MINNESOTA at L.A. RAMS

The only logical explanation I can come up with for Sunday’s loss to Buffalo is that the Vikings were looking straight past the Bills to this Thursday night tilt with the league-leading Rams. After scoring six and giving up 27 to Buffalo, it is unclear what Minnesota will be able to do against L.A.’s 102 points for and 36 points against. This one lost its allure in a hurry. RAMS 38-13

HOUSTON at INDIANAPOLIS

The Texans have dug an 0-3 hole they may be unable to begin climbing out of on the road and in the division this week. JJ Watt is playing well and will have to get after Andrew Luck to rattle the Colts offense at home. HOUSTON 17-13

BUFFALO at GREEN BAY

Rookie Buffalo QB Josh Allen quadrupled to lead the Bills past Minnesota last Sunday, throwing for 196 yards and a touchdown, running for two touchdowns and finishing first in the high hurdles. It’s not track season, but the Bills cannot drop the baton from week 3 to 4 if they hope to shock the Packers, too. GREEN BAY 23-18

TAMPA BAY at CHICAGO

Only Aaron Rodgers’ Week 1 magic separates Chicago from an unbeaten 3-0 record. Yet the Bears’ success is due largely to its defense. Mitch, please support your teammates with lots of points against Tampa and Ryan Fitzpatrick, who just set an NFL record by throwing for more than 400 yards in three straight games. TAMPA 28-16

MIAMI at NEW ENGLAND

I received a request to keep picking against Miami immediately before the one week in literally years when I would actually pick New England to lose for a reason other than spite. No, the Patriots aren’t quite the same team, but if they lose this one I’m calling the time of death at 2018 for the NE dynasty. PATS 21-17

DETROIT at DALLAS

What a difference Week 3 made! LIONS 20-6

CINCINNATI at ATLANTA

This game should be close between two offense-oriented organizations. Both clubs have incurred injuries to key players, keeping this playing field pretty even. Guess I’ll go with the Falcons at home. ATLANTA 28-26

NEW YORK JETS at JACKSONVILLE

The Jags dropped one to the Titans 9-6 last week, but I just can’t see them losing this game. Blake Bortles, like Chicago’s Mitch Trubisky, has to get his team’s offense moving. JAGS 13-7

PHILADELPHIA at TENNESSEE

Here we have two teams who have followed two so-far-sloppy paths to identical 2-1 records. This is another tough pick … EAGLES 20-18

CLEVELAND at OAKLAND

Baker Mayfield is one of four rookie quarterbacks starting this week. The Browns finally, finally have some momentum and the 0-3 Raiders have absolutely none. If Cleveland can travel across the country and win this one, watch out. The Browns will be able to ride their bandwagon of fair-weather fans the whole way back to Ohio. CLEVELAND 20-12

SEATTLE at ARIZONA

The Cardinals put rookie QB Josh Rosen in about the worst position possible last weekend, when he came in for starter Sam Bradford just in time to lose the game anyway. This week probably won’t be much better for Rosen and Arizona, currently rated at the very bottom of the league. SEATTLE 18-6

NEW ORLEANS at NEW YORK GIANTS

Drew Brees has completed 80.6 percent of his passes against zero interceptions through Week 3 as the Saints recovered from an opening loss to win their last two. NEW ORLEANS 30-14

SAN FRANCISCO at L.A. CHARGERS

If Jimmy Garoppolo hadn’t been lost for the season in Week 3, I’d give the 49ers a chance against L.A. in Week 4. CHARGERS 28-7

BALTIMORE at PITTSBURGH

It appears the Steelers have begun taking things seriously. I should’ve known better last week to pick them in prime time. PITTSBURGH 27-17

KANSAS CITY at DENVER

The chatter linking Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes and the NFL MVP award has already begun. He has thrown 13 TDs in his first three games, which breaks a record previously held by Peyton Manning. The Texas Tech product has led the Chiefs to a league-leading 118 points heading into this AFC West clash under the Monday Night lights. KANSAS CITY 35-23

CAROLINA and WASHINGTON are on a bye week.