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My first step in writing the column this week was to search for Nathan Peterman’s Week 1 stats and even Google couldn’t find them. The top story result? “Nathan Peterman had one of the worst games at QB in NFL history.”
Only 55 times since 1950 has a quarterback finished a game with a QB rating of 0.0. Of those, only 17 ended up with fewer than 30 passing yards. Peterman’s bottom line read: 5-for-18, 24 yards, 2 interceptions. Those stats are neither typos nor exaggerated. Woof.
Elsewhere, former Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick led the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to an – I’ll say it – stunning 48-40 NFC South road win over the Saints. He threw for 417 yards and four touchdowns and ran for 36 yards and another touchdown for good measure. The NFL named the ol’ Amish Rifle the NFC Offensive Player of the Week.
Week 1 resulted in a 9-7 record, one off both fellow Era NFL pickers Anthony Sambrotto and Nick Richardson’s 10-6 marks, basically because I picked Houston over New England 63-2. I should know by now that teams like New England, Green Bay, Pittsburgh and now the Rams are essentially football’s version of the golf gimme (a putt so close you couldn’t possibly miss most of the time), but I don’t care. I once picked against NE for an entire season. It happened to be the season they went 18-0 before gloriously losing to David Tyree’s helmet in the Super Bowl, but it doesn’t matter. It’s the principle of the thing.
Nick and Anthony are both counting their picks straight up as well as against the spread, so if you’re interested in that angle make sure you check out the box with their picks that will appear somewhere near this column every week. I write this in the spare moments seized while brushing my teeth, before the kids’ toast pops up and waiting in the car at the CVS drive-through, so I’m going to stick to simply straight up: Did they win or did they lose?
In spectacular Cleveland fashion, the Browns cannot even answer that question for me after Week 1, when they snapped a 17-game losing streak by not winning. Regardless of the pick, I’m counting that game as a W for all three of us to start the season. Two off the first tee.

BALTIMORE at CINCINNATI

We learned virtually nothing about Baltimore from its 47-3 rout of Buffalo in Week 1, except that the Ravens are better than Buffalo. So, again, virtually nothing. Anything can happen in division games (particularly in the AFC North) and home field matters. CINCINNATI 24-20

KANSAS CITY at PITTSBURGH

Watch out for Patrick Mahomes to scorch the Steelers secondary with some deep shots downfield. The chances are similarly high that Ben Roethlisberger, despite what the Steelers are calling a “minor” elbow injury, will do the same to the Chiefs defensive backfield with the unparalleled WR duo of JuJu Smith-Schuster and Antonio Brown. A shootout! KANSAS CITY 41-38

MIAMI at NEW YORK JETS

Dwight Schrute – I mean, Sam Darnold overcame a pick-six on his very first NFL pass to drop 48 points and trounce Detroit. Miami has allowed only one passing TD in each of its last six games, so can Darnold repeat the feat? Hey, if he can’t, there’s always money in a beet farm. JETS 27-14

PHILADELPHIA at TAMPA BAY

Fitzpatrick does this thing where he blows up with an eye-popping stat line then quickly settles back into mediocrity. We can see how the Eagles defense might have that effect on a guy. PHILADELPHIA 28-13

CLEVELAND at NEW ORLEANS

Maybe neither the Saints nor the Browns are exactly who we thought they are. For some unidentifiable reason it always seems like a trip into the Superdome is tough for teams, so I’ll take the Saints at home. NEW ORLEANS 31-20

INDIANAPOLIS at WASHINGTON

Andrew Luck snowboarding? Explains some yeti sightings, doesn’t it? WASHINGTON 27-22

L.A. CHARGERS at BUFFALO

CHARGERS 42-12

MINNESOTA at GREEN BAY

Last week Aaron Rodgers hurt his knee and took an Uber to the locker room, but came back just in time to win it for the Packers. You done (un)messed up, A-Aron! The Purple People Eaters were responsible for Rodgers’ season-ending injury last year, so will he play in this one? Will it matter? MINNESOTA 30-18

CAROLINA at ATLANTA

This should be a good game between NFC South opponents. Atlanta is favored at home, but I like blue more than red. Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish … PANTHERS 27-23

HOUSTON at TENNESSEE

Titans QB Marcus Mariota was one of three Titans starters injured against the Dolphins last week in a game delayed twice by lightning, which now holds the NFL’s record for the longest ever: 7 hours, 8 minutes. HOUSTON 23-9

ARIZONA at L.A. RAMS

Rams until they show me otherwise. LOS ANGELES 34-14

DETROIT at SAN FRANCISCO

Remind me again what puts Matt Stafford in the top 10 of the world’s highest paid athletes? Must be being slow to get up after the play, grimacing and limping for a few snaps, nailing it despite it all for the next 20, yet ultimately falling short. SAN FRAN 20-6

OAKLAND at DENVER

Didn’t see any of Oakland’s opener Monday Night; that’s too late for every single working person east of the Mississippi. Here is what should be another good divisional tilt in which Denver has the altitudinal advantage. BRONCOS 20-12

NEW ENGLAND at JACKSONVILLE

I’ll give you two guesses, and NE isn’t one of them. JACKSONVILLE 16-7

NEW YORK GIANTS at DALLAS

This matchup is just so overdone in primetime that it feels like the Yankees-Red Sox. Might as well go to bed and get a fresh start on the week. I flipped a coin and it said: GIANTS 23-17

SEATTLE at CHICAGO

I find myself rooting for Mitch Trubisky and the Bears. CHICAGO 22-14