Hey, guys. It’s been a while, eh?
Five years on in this text message age and I’m dusting off the old keyboard, wondering whether I can still conjure complete sentences or adequately express myself without the use of emojis and ridiculous abbreviations like RPO.
When I last signed off in late 2013 we had three kids younger than 5; they’ve grown quite a bit since then and are a little less dependent on their momma for every little thing. You might reasonably think that leaves more time to study something as relatively inconsequential as the NFL, but what I actually mean is that their interests have also grown and gotten a lot more expensive, so I need the money.
Buffalo’s front office broke my heart with the trade of Tyrod Taylor to Cleveland. No joke, the disappointment and frustration were so great that this move might just be the deal breaker for this 30-year Bills fan. I haven’t decided for sure whether this was definitely the final straw in our relationship, but I’m very much on the precipice and GO BROWNS.
Josh Allen certainly looks the part of a pro QB at 6’5”, 240 with a wicked strong arm, plus he seems genuinely excited to be in Buffalo and the climatic conditions he experienced at Wyoming should translate to Western New York. The concerns about Allen are accuracy and decision-making. Who better, then, to mentor Allen than the QB with the NFL’s all-time lowest interception percentage? Having traded that very man to the Browns, the Bills have thrown Allen from a position of having a lot to learn, to having a lot to prove – two decidedly different places.
As it relates to baffling calls from the game of football, the Bradford Raptors pee-wee team and its fans have learned well more about the so-called Hula Rule than they ever wanted to know. An admittedly cursory Google search turned up nothing and although I could offer a few choice synonyms of my own, I can only guess it is named for the circular motion of the hula hoop.
When one team takes a lead of 18 points or more the other team literally keeps the ball for as many downs as it takes to score. Running right through your conventional downs 1 through 4, regardless of what happens – fumble recoveries, interceptions, sacks, failure to make a first down, halftime, it doesn’t matter – if there is no touchdown then the offense is simply given the ball back to try again at 1st down. Against a strong defense, around and around they’ll go until the last whistle blows.
It is as crazy as it sounds, so then again maybe it is named after the circular hand gesture made near the side of your head when you try to explain it. It’s not doing anyone any favors at all and it teaches the kids – on either side of the ball – nothing.
The only possible real-world thing such a rule could prepare these kids for would be a career in meteorology. Seriously, weathermen are the only people on earth who can be so horribly terrible at their jobs day after day and retain employment. Well, weathermen and these other jerks who go around attempting to predict results of sporting events.
It would be fun to put a number on my overall prognosticating prowess, but I can’t recall my win-loss record from the first five-ish years writing this column. Instead we’ll just say it was really, really good and start anew for 2018 because, after all, everybody’s undefeated Week 1.
ATLANTA at PHILADELPHIA – Philadelphia’s actual starting QB and 2016’s second overall draft pick and Rookie of the Year finalist Carson Wentz is still sidelined by the serious knee injury he incurred during Week 14 last year. The Eagles’ backup is no slouch, however; just the reigning Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles is all. What a quarterback situation to have! Indeed, we may never see such a scenario again. This should be a good game and litmus test to open the 2018 season. PHILADELPHIA 31-28
CINCINNATI at INDIANAPOLIS – Andrew Luck embarks this week on his comeback campaign after missing all of last season due to a shoulder injury that actually occurred nearly 3 years ago now. The annals of football could produce no better coach to lead Mr. Luck in that very effort than Frank Reich. Not only does Reich famously lay claim to the greatest NFL comeback ever, but he also led Maryland to a miracle win over Miami in 1984 in which he brought the Terrapins back from a 31-0 halftime shutout to a 42-40 win. That wildly improbable victory became the NCAA’s largest comeback ever, a distinction it held until 2006. INDY 24-20
BUFFALO at BALTIMORE – The Bills have one of the toughest schedules in the league this year, particularly their first four games. As much as I’d like to claim they’ll pick up where they left off … BALTIMORE 24-7
TAMPA BAY at NEW ORLEANS – Tampa has known from the get-go this preseason that Jameis Winston would be suspended for the first three games. This has caused its various strings to split practice repetitions and prevented any sort of offensive cohesion. Five of the Saints’ first six games are against teams kept out of the playoffs last year. NEW ORLEANS 30-13
HOUSTON AT NEW ENGLAND – The only story here is Houston QB Deshaun Watson’s return from a heartbreaking injury suffered last November. The Clemson product had taken over as Houston’s starter in Week 2, but tore his ACL just as he was rounding into a season that could’ve garnered Rookie of the Year honors for a rather likeable young athlete. Plus y’all know how I feel about NE. HOUSTON 63-2
SAN FRANCISCO AT MINNESOTA – Many have Minnesota ranked in the NFL’s top 10 heading into this new year with Kirk Cousins coming over from Washington. While San Francisco is expected to be better this season, the recent loss of key running back Jerick McKinnon (ACL) will weigh on the 49ers’ offense. MINNESOTA 27-7
TENNESSEE AT MIAMI – Even Buffalo can beat Miami, and if the Bills can do it then the Titans certainly can too. TENNESSEE 21-6
JACKSONVILLE AT NEW YORK GIANTS – Many expect Jacksonville to make a return playoff appearance with a dominant defense that finished second last year in both yards and points allowed. Yet New York features Eli Manning, Odell Beckham Jr. and Saquon Barkley on an offensive unit that, at least on paper, would seem rather hard to contain. It will be interesting to see what gives in this one. NY GIANTS 21-20
PITTSBURGH AT CLEVELAND – Le’Veon Bell was still a no show as of Wednesday and while one could argue that Bell would be most able to just show up and be successful without the benefit of preseason play, the Browns roster is sufficiently improved to make this one no easy pick. My heart’s in Cleveland Week 1. BROWNS 15-14
KANSAS CITY AT LOS ANGELES CHARGERS – Kansas City’s offensive could certainly be explosive, but the Chargers are well balanced and at home. LA CHARGERS 28-21
DALLAS AT CAROLINA – The Dallas defense will need to get the better of Carolina’s offensive line for a road win Sunday. How long has it been since we’ve seen Dak Prescott and Zeke Elliott working together with any regularity? Did Elliott play last year? I’m so confused. In nothing but a complete and utter guess, I’ll take CAROLINA 22-16
WASHINGTON AT ARIZONA – I’ll just be over here *still* rooting for QB Alex Smith. The former Utah Ute drafted first overall in 2005 heads into his 14th NFL season, with his third NFL team, toiling under his fifth different head coach and (not a typo) 10th offensive coordinator. WASHINGTON 23-17
SEATTLE AT DENVER – An interesting storyline in Denver will be Jim Kelly’s nephew Chad Kelly at QB2 behind Case Keenum. Broncos General Manager and Executive Vice President of Football Operations John Elway was drafted with Jim in that fabled QB draft of 1983, and presumably had something to do with Chad’s arrival in Denver. In the few plays of Kelly’s I caught this preseason he looked decidedly tough, which Bills fans know better than most runs in the Kelly family. DENVER 26-16
CHICAGO AT GREEN BAY – This game gets only slightly more interesting with the Bears’ recent addition of Khalil Mack. GREEN BAY 38-17
NEW YORK JETS AT DETROIT – Jets QB Sam Darnold seems to be backing up his status as just about everyone’s top choice at this year’s draft. Which begs the question of Browns GM John Dorsey, Why not take Barkley at No. 1, let literally any other team be thrilled to nab the consensus No. 1 QB in Darnold at No. 2 and then grab the more-than-likely still available Baker Mayfield at No. 3. Whatever … DETROIT 21-17
LOS ANGELES RAMS AT OAKLAND – The Rams are high on nearly everyone’s list of 2018 contenders. The Raiders’ defense got no better losing Mack and QB Derek Carr is something of an unknown quantity right now. It’s a bummer to lose Oakland head coach Jon Gruden as a commentator; his intensity and authenticity in the booth was always entertaining. LA RAMS 34-20
