They say Sidney Crosby is the best hockey player in the world.

They also say it will be 59 with a 60 percent chance of rain today.

They sure know a lot. Don’t they?

Who are they and how can we become they? What are they paid and what are the hours?

If Crosby is the best player in the world, shouldn’t the Pittsburgh Penguin icon be scoring four or five goals per game? By the way my 19-year-old daughter thinks he’s cute.

In the six-game Columbus series Crosby got squat and doesn’t have a goal in his last 10 playoffs game. Or sure the great-one-but-not-as-great-as-Gretzky had a handful of assists, but the NHL gives those out like candy on Halloween.

That reminds me when I was a lad there was a lady in our neighborhood who gave out pencils. A 10-year-old had to be darn near starvation to eat a pencil on Halloween night.

And how are they so certain Crosby is the planet’s best player? There are over 1.3 billion people in China and mathematical odds/common sense dictate there’s at least one Chinese guy better than Crosby.

I Googled the China National hockey team roster and it could be Xia Tianxiang, Zhang Cheng or Ye Pei. Pick one.

*****

Today’s 140th running of the Kentucky Derby was nearly cancelled when Churchill Downs officials realized someone had stolen a cup of dirt from the race track last summer.

“We checked the surveillance video and have a faint image of a gangly senior citizen accompanied by a woman far too pretty for him,” one official stated. “The guy was definitely not Brad Pitt. This perpetrator created a very dangerous situation in leaving the finish line area one centimeter lower than the rest of the track. We will issue a citation and we’re not referring to the 1948 Triple Crown winner.”

*****

This just in. In the fifth race at Churchill scratch My Back.

*****

I realize you have your own problems, but sometimes the cursor on my laptop jumps up into the previous paragraph when I type the letter “t.” It’s more annoying than Flo on those Progressive commercials.

Maybe I’ll jus_ elimina_e _ha_ le__er and avoid any s_ories abou_ _he _ennessee _i_ans.

*****

Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston was busted Tuesday night for stealing $32 worth of crab legs.

You can hardly blame the Florida State football/baseball star. Have you priced seafood in the local grocery store lately?

I wouldn’t be hard to track down after swiping shellfish. Just follow the trail of melted butter.

*****

There was a trio of Game Sevens in the NHL playoffs Wednesday night and none of them involved the greatest hockey player in the world.

There’s nothing more exciting in sports than a Game Seven unless the series is the best-of-eight.

*****

I still can’t see the puck when it goes into the net. Would attaching a blinking light on the puck be too much trouble?

*****

You don’t have to be Jim Cantore to realize that was one heck of a rain storm Wednesday evening that postponed baseball games from Baltimore all the way to Boston.

*****

“Did you get the mail and are you watching hockey again?”

“No and yes. What of it? Perhaps in a previous life I was a Canadian. That might explain all the flannel shirts in my closet. Eh? I don’t even drink beer but right now I’m craving a Molson.”

*****

The in-depth analysis of all 30 Major League Baseball teams has been cancelled due to lack of interest from me and you.

Next Saturday we will preview the Chandigarh Lions of the Indian Cricket League.

*****

News flash. The Indian Cricket League disbanded in 2009.

I did not get that memo.